1% of the time

...when i talk about my job i usually say i can't complain...ya i luv my job 99% of the time is what i tell most people. the labor and delivery floor of the hospital is usually the happiest, funnest place in the hospital...not alot of sickness going around here.
families. joy. excitement. peace. adventure. beginnings. intimacy. unity. innocence. love. trust.
today was a 1% day for me. i dont get them alot but when i do i want to crawl into a hole and kinda disappear. my sweet patient delivered her little boy at 23 weeks. it always happens so fast, with little warning, hardly a push and he is here. he has a heartbeat...he is a fighter. im always scared and on the verge of losing it but i fake it and hold her hand and we cry. ive seen it before but you can hardly believe how little he is...delicate, almost unreal. little legs flailing and arms loose. the adrenaline and instincts kick in and we are suppose to give him his best chance. afterwards i always become dazed and confused...my patient has a window in her room and i see all the cars driving here and there and i wonder if they know what matters in life. isn't this how it is for us alot of times...we take things for granted and we worry about little things that don't matter. how much can we get done, how fast, how fancy, how so not important. because when i have moments like this i realize this is what life is about. i wonder how she will cope with this for the rest of her life...will it make her stronger...i tell her i have never been where she has been...i don't understand her pain but Christ does and she agrees. i wonder this time how long i can keep this feeling of wanting to live every minute in the moment. i will always believe there is a purpose.